Copywriter by day. Humor writer by night. Exhausted by afternoon. @omgskr / sararunnels.com

The revealing, supplementary list to her Favorite Things.

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I don’t know why there’s a donut in this stock photo, but that makes it even better. (Photo by Dainis Graveris)
  • The red one
  • The black silk one
  • The leopard one (made from real leopard)
  • The one Stedman gave her on their anniversary, which she framed and hung in Stedman’s room
  • The one that says BE FRI (Gayle has the pair that says ST ENDS)
  • The one with the Maya Angelou poem
  • The monthly ones created to coincide with/match the covers of O Magazine
  • The low-cut one she wears while tending to her avocado garden
  • The one with “OWN” embroidered on the crack fabric
  • The one that has First Black American Female Billionaire written in diamonds
  • The super comfy one she wore for a questionable amount of days in a row when, like the rest of us, there was no reason to get out of…


This Is Us

He was more than just a fun distraction, but was it worth the leap?

Sunset with two champagne glasses.
Sunset with two champagne glasses.
Photo courtesy of the author.

A thing they don’t tell you about starting a relationship — of any caliber — in quarantine is that there is absolutely nowhere to put your feelings. They stay contained, like yourself, in a 500-square-foot studio apartment, until you reach a breaking point and decide it’s worth the risk to set them free. And putting your heart on the line during a pandemic? Well, that’s like taking a thousand risks at once. You ought to be prepared to protect all the vulnerable parts.

I met J in the most iconic of destinations: my Instagram DMs. I knew he existed long before he took the leap, however, because he’d been following me for years on Twitter, after reading a few of my McSweeney’s pieces. He was the best kind of follower — a “fan” who didn’t push boundaries, one who just quietly liked the wild, witty, weird words I posted on the internet, and nothing more. …


Don’t swipe left on this celebration for singles!

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IT’S A BOY!

(Well, it’s a man — but you get the idea.)

Since the birth of gender reveal parties, these controversial celebrations have proven to be dangerous and superfluous, revealing very little beyond an ostentatious display of pink-or-blue chaos. This is why it’s time to ditch this neo-traditional event, and shift the attention to one that’s more impressive and innovative, and less harmful to both the environment and social constructs.

So, please mark your calendar for my first-ever Tinder reveal!

WHY:

Single, childless people are part of an ever-growing community who don’t get to be consistently celebrated and rewarded for love- and family-based milestones via endless baby showers, bridal baths, bachelor bashes, wedding parades, engagement ragers, gender reveal festivals, divorce fiestas, etc. …


But first, let me justify this selfie.

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Can you BELIEVE she took a hot picture of herself AND posted it??!!? The audacity.

I’m feeling myself! ✨

Well, to be honest, I was feeling myself when I took this selfie three hours ago. But now? After a burrito bowl? Not so much. But earlier? Definitely. The way the soft, dreamy 4 p.m. light came through my window and begged me to me un-hunch my back, purse my lips, change my top, flip my hair, re-hunch my back, and ignore work emails so I could take 263 pictures and land The Chosen Shot is truly something to behold — and to be shared! I have no qualms about posting a sexy photo of myself online. None. …


Let’s talk about ‘sects, baby.

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My heart, and other parts, are aflutter. (Photo by Mike Lewinski)

When he makes me feel loved:

He gives me butterflies.

When he doesn’t quite yet give me butterflies:

He gives me caterpillars.

When he’s trying to get in my pants:

He gives me ants.

When he just outright sucks:

He gives me mosquitos.

When he’s in the doghouse:

He gives me fleas.

When he’s bugging me in general:

He gives me flies.

When he likes something I put on the web:

He gives me spiders.

When he’s jumping to conclusions:

He gives me grasshoppers.

When he’s got morning wood:

He gives me termites.

When he makes me scratch my head:

He gives me lice.

When I’m buzzed and he sends a sweet text:

He gives me honey bees.

When I’m buzzed and messaging him on a dating app:

He gives me Bumble bees.

When he’s giving me butterflies, but I feel kind of weird about it:

He gives me moths.

When he upsets me in a way that makes me speak to the lord:

He gives me praying mantises.

When I’m getting played and it stings:

He gives me hornets.

When I get played again because I didn’t learn my lesson:

He gives me murder hornets.

When he mentions his white privilege:

He gives me WASPs.

When he’s ghosting me:

He gives me crickets.

If you liked that, you might also like…


NO COVER for ladies — you don’t need a mask OR a bra!

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This bar could never make anything this fancy. (Photo by Adam Jaime)

“This bar has been my go-to spot during quarantine. The drinks are cheap, the staff is knowledgeable (about reality TV — not cocktails), and there’s never a line for the bathroom!”

“While the standard pour of wine is five or six ounces, at My Place, you can have any amount you’d like! For example, a bottle is 25.4 ounces, and if that’s what you want, they’ll find a way to fit it in a glass.”

“The coat check is a chair.”

“Happy hour starts at whatever hour you’re feeling happy! Or sad. Or anxious. …


I’m tired of being the center of controversy!

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Let me (arm)rest in peace!!! (Photo by Clique Images)

For far too long, I have been labeled the pariah of the airline industry. Decade after decade, passengers have scoffed at my existence, bullied me for my physical features, made me question my self-worth, and doubted what I bring to the (tray) table.

Travelers consistently beg to sit anywhere else: “Stick me in the lavatory! An overhead bin! Just let me just hang off the wing!” they plead.

Just because you monsters haven’t figured out how to share an armrest, I’ve always been treated like a flying electric chair. People even start fist fights over me, which is, unfortunately, not as flattering as it sounds. …


Cleaning up your dirty talk in unprecedented times

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Let’s talk about sexts, baby. (Art by Kyrie Gray)

While sexting during these uncertain, trying, hard (!) times, you still want to be sure you’re reading the room. (Yes––the one you’re in alone.) Here are some common sexts you can send––updated to be timely and relevant.

What are you wearing

…besides the same pair of sweatpants for the last 8 days?

Tell me your favorite position

…to hold your phone in so it captures the best angles for video calls.

I’m imagining you sucking so hard

…at making sourdough bread.

I’m so wet

…from washing 11 pots to make one (1) meal.

Show me your big package

…that Amazon said would be here in three weeks, but it came today!

I can’t stop thinking about you in the shower

…after you didn’t take one for 14 days.

I like it when you’re on top

…of me about washing my hands for 20 seconds. …


Now, more than ever, they need YOUR support.

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Looking for: Your average boob job. (Photo by Danijela Prijovic)

There’s something I want to get off my chest.

As someone who recently started working from home, I must confess to milking the routine of living in sweatpants and oversized college T-shirts 24/7. This “saggy-chic” vibe is one I’m hooked on now, and, as a result, my breasts have made a special request to never be confined again.

Yes, I have laid off all my bras — indefinitely.

My bras are some of the hardest working in the industry, so let me give you the lowdown on their titillating background and interests, and how they stack up against the competition — in hopes you can help them, at a bare minimum, find ample work. …


Each film is rated PG-13 (requiring 13 glasses of Pinot Grigio)

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My personal spinster pad. (Photo by Thomas Kelley on Unsplash)

Frozen

Before it’s “too late,” Elsa must travel through treacherous elements to the nearest fertility clinic to freeze her eggs. Should she just let it go?

Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs

The Fairest of Them All manages to end up on dates with men who lie about their height on Tinder.

The Rescuers Down Under

A courageous tale of one woman’s gynecologist, her bikini waxer and a package of Summer’s Eve Lavender Chamomile Cleansing Cloths.

Sleeping Beauty

Aurora used to go out every night, but now refuses to settle for anything less than a fistful of melatonin gummies, 12 hours of sleep, 2–3 sex dreams and a morning with no new body aches. …

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