An Unnecessarily Long Caption for My Latest Thirst Trap

But first, let me justify this selfie.

Can you BELIEVE she took a hot picture of herself AND posted it??!!? The audacity.

I’m feeling myself! ✨

Well, to be honest, I was feeling myself when I took this selfie three hours ago. But now? After a burrito bowl? Not so much. But earlier? Definitely. The way the soft, dreamy 4 p.m. light came through my window and begged me to me un-hunch my back, purse my lips, change my top, flip my hair, re-hunch my back, and ignore work emails so I could take 263 pictures and land The Chosen Shot is truly something to behold — and to be shared! I have no qualms about posting a sexy photo of myself online. None. Not one.

Because frankly, what if this is the hottest I’m ever going to look? What if this is a peak moment in my life, physically, and I didn’t document it? What if you never had the chance to put a little fire emoji underneath it and validate my entire thought process and execution? My older, less attractive self would be so disappointed I didn’t seize such a fleeting moment. And think of my grandchildren! What would I say when they ask where all of Nana’s best thirst traps from the early 2020s are? Lost on the phones of unworthy men? I think not! What kind of lesson is that to teach our next, next generation?

Posting this hot picture is truly empowering. I will never apologize for having a body, or showing it off or sharing how I look sitting around in a flirty sports bra (that I’ve never once used for sports). And I definitely won’t apologize for how my hazel eyes turn a hypnotizing bright green in the sunlight. Or how my décolletage looks like it’s glowing and radiating in a healthy but suspicious way. However, I will apologize for the chaotic pile of blankets and laundry on the chair behind me. The audacity not to tidy up before an impromptu shoot, knowing this could be seen by up to 1,152 people around the world! See, even though this is a bangin’ photo, I’m not afraid to show you that I am obviously teeming with flaws.

OK, this caption has gone on so incredibly long, I’m actually starting to feel myself again! ✨

To be honest, I was just going to use a line I found while Googling “inspirational quotes for thirst traps that make you seem humble,” but I ended up getting a lot of conflicting recommendations. One site suggested both: “Does my sassiness upset you? — Maya Angelou” and “Hotness is uniqueness and just being yourself. That’s hot. — Ryan Cabrera,” and it made me think I was better off writing a few personal, original thoughts instead — until it was clear to you, dear follower, why I needed to share my one good hair, face, body and self-esteem day. (They rarely align!) Or until the ghost of Maya Angelou flew into my apartment and told me it really didn’t have to be this way.

Finally, I just want to give a shoutout to everyone who likes this photo — whether it be for the thoroughly workshopped thesis of a caption, or my incredible cleavage — and to anyone who sends it to one of our mutual friends with, “Wow, is she spiraling?” The engagement is appreciated, and the answer is: a little.

And to all the women who would’ve just captioned this “Couch vibes!” and posted it without giving it another thought? I’m feeling you, too.

Copywriter by day. Humor writer by night. Exhausted by afternoon. @omgskr /

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