#TBT: Disney Movies for Thirtysomething Spinsters
Each film is rated PG-13 (requiring 13 glasses of Pinot Grigio)
Frozen
Before it’s “too late,” Elsa must travel through treacherous elements to the nearest fertility clinic to freeze her eggs. Should she just let it go?
Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs
The Fairest of Them All manages to end up on dates with men who lie about their height on Tinder.
The Rescuers Down Under
A courageous tale of one woman’s gynecologist, her bikini waxer and a package of Summer’s Eve Lavender Chamomile Cleansing Cloths.
Sleeping Beauty
Aurora used to go out every night, but now refuses to settle for anything less than a fistful of melatonin gummies, 12 hours of sleep, 2–3 sex dreams and a morning with no new body aches.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Cursed from years hunched over her phone swiping through dating apps, a French woman sets out to fix her posture through yoga, but settles for just following the local yoga studio on Twitter.
Peter Pan
Based on the true story of literally all women, Wendy is the only female in a group of needy, lost boys who refuse to grow up.
101 Dalmatians
Anita begins adopting rescue pups every time she has a shitty interaction with a man and now lives on a sprawling dog farm.
Lady and the Tramp
Known for adding absurd items to her Amazon cart after too many glasses of rosé, a lady purchases a mini exercise trampoline for her tiny studio apartment, uses it once, sprains her ankle and never exercises again.
Hercules
This hungry homebody orders dinner from the local Greek diner every night in hopes of one day making the buff delivery guy, Hercules, fall in love with her, or — even better — give her a discount on gyros.
The Jungle Book
A single broad jets off to the jungles of India to “find herself” and then writes about her self-discovery, which is later read and praised by at least six or seven close friends, tops.
Tangled
Rapunzel would date more often, but working on the gnarly knots in her long-ass hair is somehow more satisfying.
Cinderella
A greying, plump Fairy Godmother-like gal stays home with her magic wand (the remote) and has a ball rewatching the Meghan & Harry Lifetime movie.
Dumbo
A New Yorker spends her Sundays perusing the D.U.M.B.O. flea market in Brooklyn, hoping for a rom-com inspired meet-cute, but ends up in a vom-com after settling for meat on a stick.
Bolt
A woman routinely bolts out of first dates when she can no longer endure two layers of Spanx cutting off all circulation (restricting room for more cocktails).
Brave
Merida is 37 and completely committed to wearing Forever 21.
The Aristocats
Ever the inevitable spinster horror flick, a lady’s four fancy cats must try to save her life on the fateful evening she chokes on a birth control pill.
Toy Story
Andi’s sex toys, appropriately named Buzz and Woody, come to life and plot to find Andi a human lover, but discover they are too old & worn out for such an arduous task.
Alice in Wonderland
Alice eats an edible and falls down a rabbit hole of googling John Mayer’s past relationships while listening to “Your Body is a Wonderland” on repeat.
The Princess and the Frog
After years of unsuccessful relationships, Tiana breaks down and kisses a random frog, hoping it will turn into a handsome prince — and it does! But he’s gay.
Sara K. Runnels is a writer living in Seattle, WA. Her work has appeared in Tinder messages, Gmail inboxes, group texts, Instagram captions, several spec scripts her mom thinks are GREAT, McSweeney’s and The New Yorker. (She’s also a seasoned copywriter, Beyoncé’s best friend and she tweets with mild abandon @omgskr.)
