The Amazing $39 Airfare Sale!*

Let your dreams take flight! Until we crush them with legal jargon.

Get these cool fares while they’re hot! Vacation in a great destination for just $39!!!!!! Do. Not. Miss. Out. This is a limited-time offer from your favorite airline! Just search for a flight, book & save BIG! Go, go, go!! All routes on sale now!*

*Restrictions apply.

  • All sale fares must be purchased in the next 19 minutes.
  • Fares are nontransferable, nonrefundable, nonpartisan and nonsensical.
  • The flight itself will be nonstop and nonsmoking, and we will be mostly noncommunicative throughout your travels.
  • Valid dates for travel are: Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and when mercury is in retrograde.
  • Sale fare includes government taxes and fees, but not arbitrary taxes and fees, which we will add at our discretion throughout your journey.
  • The fare guarantees one (1) basic-ass economy seat within four (4) feet of the bathroom.
  • If you’d like to upgrade your seat, you can’t. You have already chosen your path in life.
  • $39 flights are strictly flown by our least-experienced pilots and serviced by our sassiest flight attendants. Trust us, do not fuck with Susan.
  • All reservations can be cancelled up to five (5) minutes after booking. Customers who cancel after 5 minutes will receive a travel voucher good for one (1) nothing.
  • Changes to your itinerary are allowed if you can prove you were a little drunk when you bought it.
  • Flights purchased on a credit card not issued by the airline’s loyalty program are frowned upon and could result in nonstop targeted marketing until you breakdown and get one.
  • Fares include emotional baggage but not checked baggage.
  • Two (2) carry-ons are permitted, but if they don’t fit in the overhead bin or under the seat in front of you, you’ll be asked to announce to the entire plane that you “had one job.”
  • Emotional support pets must also pay the $39, but will be waived if the pet is adorable and mostly noncontroversial.
  • Your fare does not include the use of oxygen masks, flotation devices or emergency exits. We can only save the lives of those who paid full price.
  • You may use the lavatory once during the flight, so choose wisely.
  • Customers who purchase the sale fare must adhere to a Mad Men-era dress code. This is not a sloppy slumber party in the sky.
  • If you tweet a complaint @ the airline prior, during or after your flight, a $200 whiner fee will be added to your sale fare.
  • Sale customers may log on to the in-flight Wi-Fi briefly, but only to make an appointment with a therapist, as we know this has been taxing.
  • If you leave a device in the seatback pocket, it belongs to us now. Thanks!
  • If we find out you lined up in the boarding area before your seat number or group was called, your flight privileges will be revoked all together. Don’t be that stooge.
  • If the flight attendant on your plane tries to make the critical, life-saving safety announcement into a stand-up comedy routine, we’ll refund your $39.
  • Flights to gorgeous Instagrammable destinations are not included in the sale.
  • All fares are subject to limited availability and can change without notice.
  • Like now.
  • Enjoy your $39 one-way flight from New York (LGA) to Newark (EWR)! You’re gonna have a terrific time!

Copywriter by day. Humor writer by night. Exhausted by afternoon. @omgskr /

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