The Perfect Five-Step Skincare Routine for Every Face
Step one — DENIAL
The first and most effective step in any good skincare routine is unequivocally denying there’s anything wrong. Acne, wrinkles, red spots, dark spots, troubled pores, felonious pores, dry skin, wet skin — whatever you’re obsessing over can be quickly erased through the power of delusion. A crow’s foot? Where? Maybe on an exotic menu, but not on this flawless face! While rebuffing those problem areas and retreating from reality tends to yield positive results, exclusively avoiding mirrors, cameras and dermatologists can certainly aide in the process.
Step two — ANGER
After you’re thoroughly convinced you have the speckless skin of a Westworld robot, you might become easily triggered when catching a glimpse of your reflection once again. This anger stemming from your own lies is healthy and crucial to many everyday routines, even outside of skincare world. When this happens, it’s best to work through impassioned outbursts with products like: Rage Tweet® by Twitter (use for 5–10 minutes, then rinse), Anxiety Relief™ by Wine (apply generously) and a refrigerated jade roller. Your face will still boast all of its natural and persistent problems, but you’ll notice a post-tantrum glow from the cathartic shouts of expletives in the mirror.
Step three — BARGAINING
Once you’ve cooled down, this is the perfect time to speak to a deity of choice or put desperate vibes out into the universe. There is power in prayer and in the invocation of spirits of bad-skin past. But you must — in whatever chosen form — promise a good deed or your entire soul in exchange for fewer zits. For example, someone might recite aloud: Dear Beyoncé, if I swear to help someone in need tomorrow, will you please let me wake with the complexion of a sexy angel or TikTok teen?
Step four — DEPRESSION
When your prayers and pleas go unanswered, and you have the same skin you did seven minutes ago, you might feel a little morose. Unscientific studies have shown that while tears actually benefit thirsty skin, feelings in general can cause temporary puffiness and everlasting wrinkles — so weep with caution. If you find yourself moping around a Sephora asking employees to show you where the “entirely new heads” are, this is a perfectly normal development, but know they are trained to guide you to the temporary bliss of a $140 vitamin-orgy serum — $90 of which you’ll eventually spill on your countertop. (It may be best to sulk in a Walgreens instead.)
Step five — ACCEPTANCE
You’ve reached the final step in your skincare routine! This is your face. It is gorgeous in all of its natural beauty and self-diagnosed imperfections. It’s time to step out of the dark place you were in and into the light! But not just any light. That dim, soap-opera, vaseline-lens kind of light. And if you can’t find any of that, then embrace your face and just shine! But if you get too shiny, then download the app that smoothes and mattifies your skin, and also removes eyebags and cancels pores and whitens your teeth beyond recognition — I believe it’s called DENIAL.