TurboTax® for Singles

What did you pay last year? Attention to all the wrong people.

The original single. (Photo by NeONBRAND)

At TurboTax, we know millions of people every year file their taxes as “single,” so we’re offering a version of our program tailored to your specific lifestyle, in order to maximize your return.* Let’s get you that fat-ass refund, you valuable freelance lover!

I. First, please answer some personal questions.

Don’t worry––this information will only be shared with the government, and maybe some of your dating app matches, if they ask nicely.

How single are you? Check all that apply.

◻ Mostly.

◻ Very.

◻ I asked a friend if anyone else at a party was single, and they said, “There’s a baby here, too.”

My last invitation was addressed to: “You + your latest whoever from whatever app.”

◻ As fuck.

If you were a business, you would be:

◻ Independently owned and operated.

◻ Casually looking for a business partner.

◻ Out of business.

Do you have any dependents (living things who rely on you and/or who you tweet about regularly)? Check all that apply.

◻ Child/pet

◻ Houseplants

◻ Married friends who get off on my wild dating stories

What’s your highest level of solo education?

◻ Associate’s (2 years single)

◻ Bachelor’s/Bachelorette’s (4 years single)

◻ Master’s (6+ years single)

II. Now let’s talk about what you brought home!

Money-wise, not from Tinder. (We’ll come back to that.)

How much income did you earn this year for your incredibly quiet, companionless, solitary household?

[_____________]

How would you describe that number?

◻ Brave

◻ Iconic

What did you pay last year?

◻ Attention to all the wrong people.

◻ Half of all my first-date bar tabs.

Did you earn any interest this year?

◻ Yes, from several hot prospects!

◻ No, thank God.

Did you make any investments?

◻ Absolutely not.

◻ Just risky ones with glaring red flags.

Did you save anything?

◻ A few phone numbers.

◻ The date for 19 different weddings.

What kind of benefits did you receive?

◻ Friends with.

◻ Of the doubt.

Do you know your worth?

◻ Yes, it’s based entirely on how quickly someone responds to my texts.

◻ No, but like my dating profile says: my assets outweigh my liabilities. ;)

Did you do any nonprofit work?

◻ Mentally copy-edited grammar on dating apps.

◻ Gave therapist-level advice I never take myself.

What kind of charitable donations did you make this year?

◻ Wedding and baby gifts for the endless monogamists and breeders in my life.

◻ My time dating that person who was “fluent in sarcasm.”

Did you experience depreciation — a reduction in the value of an asset with the passage of time, due to wear and tear?

◻ This is a blatant attack.

III. Okay, let’s talk about tax breaks and expenses.

And general time wasted!

How much did you spend on booze for first-date pre-gaming in order to dull the reality of still routinely dating at this point in life? [_____________]

How much did you spend on material things that made you feel better after a pity party of one (1)? [_____________]

How many times did someone ask why you’re still single? [_____________]

Add the first two numbers up, then multiply them by the last number, and that’s how much you should’ve spent!

How much time did you spend on dating apps during work hours? [_____________]

How much time did you spend researching your first dates during work? [____________]

Add those two numbers up, and high-five yourself for getting paid to do that, baby!

How many times were you ghosted? [_____________]

How many times did you ghost someone? [_____________]

Subtract the first number from the second, and see how meaningless everything is!

IV. Now, let’s get some medical and education info.

Trust us, this is completely normal stuff to ask on a tax form.

Did you see a doctor this year?

◻ Yes, there are thousands on Tinder.

◻ No, but I saw a lot of scrubs.

Did you pay out-of-pocket for any of the following hospital visits?

◻ I was treated for arthritis after excessive app swiping and/or masturbating.

◻ I sprained a body part after spending all my countless free time at the gym.

◻ I hurt myself putting together a piece of furniture that required two people.

Did you have any sexual experiences that were emotionally taxing?

◻ Yes, this is why I found a therapist.

◻ Yes, this is why I found a therapist on Tinder.

Any education deductions?

◻ I learned so much this year.

◻ I learned literally nothing and will do it all again.

These deductions are not real or government-approved, just a fun way to assess and reflect on the emotional investments you made this year! Now please head over to the original version of TurboTax® and complete the official forms.

Copywriter by day. Humor writer by night. Exhausted by afternoon. @omgskr / sararunnels.com

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