You’re invited to MANiFEST!
MANiFEST is a brand-new, highly anticipated, three-day festival that I manifested while sitting alone in my apartment for a year tweeting about sex and dating instead of doing either. The fest’s mission is simple: to make up — and make out — for lost time! Derived from the word that inspired it, this event literally combines “man” + “I” + “fest” and exclusively caters to the dreams and desires of single people everywhere (but “I,” in particular) by executing one massive, Bachelorette-style group date with a bunch of eligible, agreeable men.
What MANiFEST is: One woman simply taking a year’s worth of first dates and cramming them into an appropriately wild weekend, absolutely within loose CDC guidelines. (The CDC declined to comment on “the world’s largest and most convenient gathering of men for me personally.”)
What MANiFEST is not: an orgy.
The guest list includes anyone I flirted with on- or off-line in the last year and a half, guys just hanging around in my dating-app inboxes, old flames who experienced emotional growth during the pandemic, and Regé-Jean Page, if he’s available.
The one-of-a-kind celebration will take place at the park closest to my apartment. Like many popular festivals, you should expect music, a sense of community, and very few places to to pee. Unlike those other festivals, the entrance fee is simply flashing your charming smile and official vaccination card. VIP attendees (those who have pre-ordered my attention by liking a few of my tweets or by purchasing a $69 MANiFEST t-shirt) can skip to the front of the line. All attendees are responsible for their own housing and feelings for me. Please bring water, lunch, and the absolute lowest expectations possible.
The line-up could change based on the weather or whether or not I’m having a good time. The tentative weekend highlights are below, which were inspired by Coachella posters and several glasses of wine:
SEVERAL HOURS OF SIMPLY ADMIRING WHAT I’VE MANIFESTED • DANCE-OFF BETWEEN MEN WHO WROTE “COMPETITIVE ABOUT EVERYTHING” IN THEIR DATING PROFILES • DISCUSSING POLITICS, RELIGION AND OTHER TABOO TOPICS RIGHT OFF THE BAT • MAINSTAGE PERFORMANCE OF MY ONE-WOMAN SHOW WHERE I TELL LOVABLE ANECDOTES AND ORIGINAL JOKES (APPLAUSE, LAUGHS, APPROPRIATE EMOTIONAL RESPONSE REQUIRED) • COMPLIMENT HOUR (YOU GIVE) • COMPLIMENT MINUTE (I GIVE) • INTERACTIVE Q&A • WINE TASTING • BEER TASTING • LIQUOR TASTING • Q&A AGAIN, BUT TIPSY • SPIN THE BOTTLE BUT I CAN CHOOSE WHERE IT LANDS • CONSENSUAL FIRST BASE • CONSENSUAL SEVEN MINUTES IN HEAVEN (HEAVEN IS JUST A SMALL CORNER I’VE ROPED OFF BEHIND A PARK TREE) • GROUP THERAPY BUT I AM DISGUISED AS THE THERAPIST • MUTUAL FEELINGS REVEAL • SENDING MEN HOME SO I CAN SIT ON MY COUCH AND ORDER DELIVERY IN PEACE • REFLECTING ON WHY TAKING A YEAR OFF FROM DATING WAS IDEAL • MEN WRITING GLOWING YELP REVIEWS FOR MANiFEST • COLLECTIVE MUTUAL GHOSTING
If you’re interested in attending, please reach out. If you do not receive a reply within three (3) days, the fest was cancelled because I realized it was just a good play on words and not, in fact, my MANiFEST destiny.